


Aching Hearts

by SugarRose22



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Emotions, Falling In Love, Feels, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Levi dealing with emotions he doesn't want, Love Triangles, M/M, Oh yeah because I'm sad, Oops, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Unrequited Love, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-14 16:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13593960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarRose22/pseuds/SugarRose22
Summary: "Ne, Levi, we used to be like that." Hanji lets out a light laugh, clearly trying to lighten the mood as she brings her mug to her lips, eyes shining with a certain glint behind her glasses.Levi makes a quiet noise of agreement in the back of his throat as he watches the pair dance around each other. He doesn't look away from the window, doesn't look away from the couple, doesn't look away from Eren.Even though he agreed, he didn't believe so. He and Hanji were never like that, not at all. Eren and Jean were two completely different people with a completely different relationship. They bickered playfully, threw around simple insults that meant nothing to the other because they knew how they felt. He and Hanji were polar opposites, one of them a crazed, overly optimistic maniac and the other a rude, stoic and stone cold soldier.  Hanji and him had never been very affectionate towards each other in their relationship. Levi kept it hidden, pushing Hanji away even though they were a couple. They were nothing like Eren and Jean. They'd never been through young love like that.





	Aching Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, this is probably going to be bad since I haven't written in a while and I'm sleepy and stressed but.. it's not meant to break hearts, rather, just something I thought of in the middle of the night. I just wanted to write Levi dealing with feelings, and I also want to get better at writing so this is somewhat like practice for me.
> 
> I still hope you enjoy! Comments are always appreciated~!

Levi doesn't know why he decides to spontaneously visit Hanji's lab in the middle of the day while all the young soldiers are training in the fields. He strides with purpose down the halls, focused on his destination as his boots thump against the stone of the floor. He is silent, his face as void of emotion as it always is, and his fists sway at his sides. His mind, however, is distracted and messy, something he's not used to, something he doesn't particularly like to go through.

 

He knows exactly why he's going to Hanji.

 

He doesn't bother to knock on the doors, rather, pushing them open without so much as a greeting as he makes a beeline for the chair near the window. Hanji is humming, scribbling in her notebook and surrounded by other sheets of paper and beakers and other things alike. She glances up from her work after a moment, seemingly having been too absorbed in her notes to realize she'd gotten a visitor.

 

"Oh, Levi, so nice to see you." She chirps, and Levi grunts in response as he seats himself in the chair, gazing at Hanji as he tries to hold himself back from turning and staring out that window towards the training field, towards the person he knows will be there, the person he really wants to see right now. "What's the occasion?"

 

Levi is quiet for a moment. He's debating on whether or not to actually tell her what's going on in his mind or to merely spit out an excuse so they can chat back and forth to distract him from his thoughts. He decides that it's no use trying to come up with anything other than the truth and lets out a huff, crossing his arms.

 

"Eren is on my mind night and day," He says lowly, his gaze drifting over the unorganized tables, the stains on the floor and the pages of some papers. Nothing is organized, nothing is neat, nothing is clean and it's exactly everything Levi doesn't like. It's truly a mess, which is partly why he rarely comes to see her in her lab, but this is a special exception. "I can't find myself able to think about much else." He admits, surprisingly comfortable with saying it out loud. Hanji's pen lowers to her paper, her gaze fixed on Levi as he turns his gunmetal eyes back to her. "I have feelings for him." He says boldly, unwilling to hide the truth any longer.

 

Hanji blinks before she regards him with a small smile and curious eyes.

 

"My, my, Levi, I didn't realize you'd be so willing to talk about your feelings." She laughs, and Levi rolls his eyes. "I don't see any reason why you would come to me about it, though, I don't see a problem if you have feelings for the little Titan boy." 

 

Levi feels his eyes wandering towards the window and finally gives in, his shoulders turning slightly as his gaze falls to the training soldiers outside, all of them in uniform. It isn't hard for Levi's eyes to find Eren, them being naturally drawn to his body, his chocolate locks and the stunning teal eyes that shine even from such a distance. He watches Eren's smooth movements, can pick out the flaws in his fighting stance as he spars against Jean, but he has to admit that Eren is growing and changing and getting better. It's one of the things Levi finds he likes about the boy; his spirit and his will along with his fiery determination. He's reckless, of course, but that's also what makes him Eren. 

 

However, the longer he watches the pair, the more he can see how they're not really fighting one another. It's a dance, an intimate dance that nobody else is paying attention to, nobody but Levi. He can see the way they seem to flow together, darting around one another, coming so close but not really delivering the blows like they should be. Truly, they're not really getting better, they're just spending time together and disguising it as training. 

 

"He's already with Kirstein." Levi says, his tone slightly snappy. He despises that sentence, wishing that it wasn't true, wishing that he could say Eren was with him instead. 

 

"Ah," Hanji perks up in her seat. "That's right, I remember now. I asked him about it because I wanted to know if romantic feelings did anything to affect how he performed as a Titan." She says, and Levi really didn't expect anything else. He can feel his mood souring, his tongue tasting bitter for uttering that name. He digs his fingers into his arms, glaring at Jean as he and Eren trip over one another, Eren falling on his ass and Jean sprawling over his lap, both of them laughing, a sound that reaches Levi's ears very faintly. He enjoys the musical laughter that comes from Eren's throat, the light sound easy and smooth, while Jean's barking, choppy laugh grates against his nerves and makes him clench his jaw so hard he swears his teeth creak in protest. They stare at each other with a disgusting amount of love and though Levi can't stand it he can't look away. 

 

Hanji stands from her seat, her hands clasping together behind her back as she strolls towards Levi, eyeing him before she stops beside the window and looks out, surveying the training field before her eyes lock onto the couple as well. She chuckles and Levi rolls his eyes quickly. 

 

"My, my," She hums, "How endearing." She observes the pair as Jean offers Eren a hand up. Eren takes it, his grin as bright as ever and Jean yanks him smoothly to his feet, pulling Eren's arm back until they're chest to chest. Eren's hands come up, gripping Jean's jacket as Jean slides his other arm around Eren's waist, Eren's head tilting back as Jean leans down slowly. Levi feels jealousy curl tightly in his gut and his breath hitches as they kiss tenderly. His body is so tense it's beginning to ache and Hanji is still grinning as the couple parts, Eren's cheeks noticeably pink and his lashes fluttering as if he's dazed. Levi's chest feels uncomfortably tight.

 

Levi wants to knock Kirstein out, wants to rip Eren away from that horse-faced bastard and claim him as his own, to kiss him like that and hold him close, to be the one bringing a crimson flush to Eren's cheeks, the one making him act all dazed and cute. He wanted Eren, but he couldn't have him now. 

 

Levi watches with bitter resentment as Eren suddenly throws his arm around Jean's neck and drags him into a headlock, ruffling his hair. They laugh again and Levi's silver eyes burn holes into Jean as he wrestles out of Eren's hold. They're training in earnest, now, eyes full of passionate fire and the desire to win as they jump apart only to dive back towards each other, throwing punches and kicks and trying to get the other on the ground. Levi hates it, hates how they work so perfectly together, and he still can't look away. Hanji trots back to her seat and drags her cup towards her.

 

"Ne, Levi, we used to be like that." Hanji lets out a light laugh, clearly trying to lighten the mood as she brings her mug to her lips, eyes shining with a certain glint behind her glasses.

 

Levi makes a quiet noise of agreement in the back of his throat as he watches the pair dance around each other. He doesn't look away from the window, doesn't look away from the couple, doesn't look away from Eren.

 

Even though he agreed, he didn't truly believe so. He and Hanji were never like that, not at all. Eren and Jean were two completely different people with a completely different relationship. They bickered playfully, threw around simple insults that meant nothing to the other because they knew how they felt. He and Hanji were polar opposites, one of them a crazed, overly optimistic maniac and the other a rude, stoic and stone cold soldier. Hanji and him had never been very affectionate towards each other in their relationship. Levi kept it hidden, pushing Hanji away even though they were a couple. They were nothing like Eren and Jean. They'd never been through young love like that.

 

In fact, Levi wasn't sure if he had ever loved Hanji at all. 

 

He turns away finally, the ache in his heart lessening the slightest bit as he gazes at Hanji with a calculating gaze. She stares back from behind her glasses before turning back to her notes, picking up her pen and scribbling a few things down. Levi sinks lower in the chair, one of his hands unlatching from his arm to rub fiercely at his eyes. He's tired, tired of the heartache and tired of feeling such unwanted, troubling emotions. 

 

"Hanji," He says, his voice low as he rests his elbow on the arm of the chair, cheek on his fist as he watches Eren and Jean catch their breaths, Eren grinning at Jean, who smirks cockily back at him, shoulders heaving with his breaths. "How do you get rid of feelings?" He asks, angry at himself for how weak his tone makes him seem.

 

Hanji lets out a laugh and Levi shoots her a glare. She reaches up to tug her ponytail tighter, shaking her head softly as she stares at him, a strangely tender look in her eyes.

 

"Oh Levi," She chuckles. "Unfortunately, you can't get rid of your emotions. It's something all humans have to deal with, even a hardcore soldier like you." She says, and Levi hates her answer despite how it rings true. "There's nothing anyone can do to stop feeling, unless of course they die." Levi grunts, eyes sweeping over Eren's figure as he and Jean start sparring again. "You just have to deal with them until they eventually pass. That's the way it goes." 

 

Levi is silent. His eyes turn upwards towards the cloudless blue sky so he doesn't have to look at Eren or Jean or Hanji or anyone. He tries to remember his time as a couple with Hanji and their moments together, and how he felt during those moments. He remembers being greatly annoyed with her each day, grumbling at her and snapping when she was getting too obnoxious. He vaguely remembers several quiet moments when he'd come to her lab late at night when he couldn't sleep and they'd sit and talk, similar to what they're doing now, but he didn't remember feeling in love with her, only that she calmed him and allowed his mind to slow so he wasn't thinking too much. His eyes drift towards her again, watching as she shuffles through papers and marks things with her pen. He doesn't really feel anything when he looks at her, so he looks away.

 

His eyes find Eren again and his heart instantly swells. He feels the beat of his pulse spike slightly and he feels drawn to the boy, drawn to his uniquely teal eyes, his bright energy and warm smile. He wants to know so much about Eren, wants to have deep talks with him, wants to comfort him during his darkest moments and fight alongside him against the Titans, he wants so much, he wants Eren.

 

His eyes flick over to Jean and a bitter anger flares inside him. Levi's body tenses as he feels his mood darkening. He wants Jean out of the picture, he wants him to fuck off and find somebody else, he wants to take Eren from Jean and he never wants Jean anywhere near the brunette again. He wants to take Jean's place, he wants to beat Jean to a bloody pulp. He hates that he can't, though, and he resents everything about Kirstein, his stupid grin, ugly laugh, lanky limbs and body that surely isn't fit for Eren. He is much more capable, much stronger, able to protect Eren and teach Eren and love Eren better than Jean ever could. It's awful, the sickness in his stomach, the ache in his heart. 

 

Levi rips his gaze away from the couple and stands abruptly. He doesn't spare Hanji a glance as she watches him go, he just storms out of the lab and down the halls, back to his quarters where he can seclude himself and shut himself away from everyone and delve so deep into his paperwork that he doesn't even have to feel. 

 

Levi hates feelings. He hates emotions. He hates that he loves Eren more than he's ever loved anything before. 


End file.
